UNDERSTANDING AND FORGIVENESS

Going back into the past once again. In the recent months I have made connections with people who were at one time a part of my world. Circumstances changed that and we all drifted apart. But with the wide world of the internet that has changed once again. People that I have lost touch with for years are now back in my world and I thank you for that Father.

And due to the reconnection of one of those special people I have come to know that not all things that I thought were true were true. Granted hurt feelings had a lot to do with why I felt the way I did but that does not excuse the untruth that I held in my heart. I am referring to my second husband. We were married for 5 years but were only together for less than a year. I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense but bear with me. My second husband actually tricked me into marrying him. What I didn’t know was the reason that he felt compelled to do that. I recently made contact with a member of his family and I feel truly blessed to have had that opportunity. In our conversations, she has enlightened me to what drove him to trick me into the marriage. He was a man tormented by his mother. A women that he adored as only a son can adore his mom. The only problem was she did not feel the same way about him. Now there is no way to know why or what drove her to feel that way. That is between her and God. But my husbands adoration of his mom was what drove him to try to please her. So at the risk of my wrath, he did what she insisted that he do. Trick me into a marriage that I did not want. It had only been a short time since I had escaped from my first marriage and the last thing I wanted was to get married again. The only things that I remember about that time period were buying matching blue v-necked sweaters and watching my husband to be fall out of the chair and laughing my self silly. Well, the sweaters were what we wore to the court-house and the reason that he fell out of the chair is because he could not stand the sight of blood. Back then you had to have a blood test to get married.
Flash forward to the moment when I found out I was married……not a good time to be had for anyone much less all. I found out when the certificate arrived in the mail. About an hour later my new husband arrived home from work. I was sitting on the chair with the certificate in my hands. Needless to say he went white as a sheet and started begging me to please listen before I killed him. I reluctantly agreed as he explained.
I am going to back up a little here. The main reason I did not remember a lot of what happened was the fact that I had been in the hospital for 8 days. They had me on some major painkillers and as a matter of fact I ended back in the hospital before we left his parents house.
Now back to the story. We ended up married but because of the deceit of the event, our marriage was not the bed of roses that it could have been. Then 6 months into the marriage, he was injured at work and was put on workman’s comp. This rocked on about 5 months and he started drinking. Then came the day that put an end to the marriage. My sister-in-law and myself came home from the grocery store and he came out the front door and I could tell he was angry. About what…..who knew? But he screamed at us and wanted to know where we had been. Being the smart mouth that I was back then, I replied,”Playing tiddlywinks, where does it look like we have been?” He drew back his fist and slammed me in the jaw. I heard as well as felt it crack. I remember thinking HE BROKE MY JAW! The next thing I knew my sister-in-law was pulling on my shirt and yelling at me. She said, “Wynette, stop! You are going to kill him!” I remember turning to her and saying, “What do you think I am trying to do!” I snapped back to my self and got up and gathered every thing of his that I could find and threw it in his car. I told him if he ever came near me again I would finish the job. I saw him one time in the next 4 years. I did not know until many years later that he had passed away from cancer.
The moral to this story is you never know what drives a person unless you get to know the real person. The one behind the persona that they put out there for most of the public to view. We did not get a chance to get to know each other as well as I wished we had, and for that I am very sad. But I know that we will meet again in Heaven because I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was saved. Until then my friend, we will meet again.

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7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Joyce Gerald/EM
    Nov 09, 2011 @ 03:59:30

    There is always a reason why people do what they do. For women it is usually due to how they were treated by their fathers; for men it is usually how they were treated by their mothers. Men who abuse women were abused by their mothers when they were children. Women who are abusive to other people where abused by their fathers when they were children. It may sound like psycho babble, but it is true.

    Men who are incapable of establishing and maintaining a positive relationship with women had domineering mothers. Understanding a person’s background helps us to understand and forgive their behavior. Even after a person has accepted Christ they still have residual effects from their past. The blood of Jesus can keep those effects down, but it is always an underlying thought that governs our behavior.

    I keep saying it over and over and over again, but people refuse to listen. God will use any circumstance necessary to bring about growth in his people. If we cannot let go of something that is still impacting our lives, He will work circumstances out to put us in the place we need to be to be able to resolve it. He is so amazing!!

    He has used all of your circumstances in the past few months to resolve so many issues for you, in-spite of how painful there were physically.

    Reply

  2. Bernice
    Nov 09, 2011 @ 11:00:22

    Really like the song link you posted here, Wynette. First time I’ve heard this song. I understand that anger you bore toward your husband deceiving you into marriage. I understand living in circumstances where it builds and builds. I understand being lost inside of the anger so much all rational thought about present happenings blur. I call them my blackouts because it’s the loss of all thought at the moment and time and the inability to remember what happened. Like bits and pieces completely disappear. I get it. I lived it. Not so much with physically hurting others. I always hurt myself. Figure it’s better that way. Nevertheless, over the years I’ve come to understand maybe it’s better not to know or be able to recall those chunks of life escaping my memory.

    (FYI: The ways I harm myself now include lack of self care and binging with food and usually that happens when no matter what I say or how I express my deep concerns I am ignored or cussed at or I am called names, again. It is then the old tapes of “your too fat, your ugly, your old, you will never amount to anything, etc.” tend to play constantly in my head when these things occur. It’s like my dad sits across from me in his drunken stupor calling me fatty, fatty two by four, can’t get through the kitchen door, a slut, whore, etc. I am NOT those things. I’ve been redeemed by Jesus Christ and am His child. But, it happens and it’s then I go into temporary depression until all that junk gets out of my head, heart, and spirit).

    I will say this, though, once I investigated my abusers lives, I understood why they abused. I came to a point where I forgave them because bearing all those heavy things caused me physical, mental, and spiritual harm. Even though I’ve forgiven them, some of the memories still live and from time to time bother me when triggered and that’s when the depression may hit.

    Overall, though, I find being a survivor of abuse as an opportunity to draw closer to the Lord when the “junk” reoccurs in my brain. I have not found the opportunity to share publicaly how God’s grace and mercy allowed me to live during my childhood, yet, but applaud you, Wynette, for heeding God’s directions and posting your snippets here. Lots of healing in this blog for any willing to read with opened eyes and hearts.

    Reply

  3. Wynette aka Flip Flip
    Nov 09, 2011 @ 14:34:12

    I don’t think it was so much harboring hatred as it was harboring the hurt. I really loved my second husband and I know that he loved me. But with that first deceit between us, it was hard to let go and trust him. But now that I understand why he was driven to trick me into marriage, the hurt and the hatred are gone. I am so saddened that he was treated the way that he was as a child. Because he certainly did not deserve it. And I look forward to telling him so when we meet again in Heaven.

    Reply

  4. Will Thomas
    Nov 09, 2011 @ 16:19:25

    That took some serious courage, Wynette. You are an admirable woman.

    And it’s a delight to learn the spirit I remember in you from our childhood persisted into adulthood! I’m proud to be related to you!

    Will

    Reply

  5. Joyce Gerald/
    Nov 09, 2011 @ 19:09:35

    Understanding that fact is very important for your internal healing and barometer Wyn. When you both meet..the hurt will not exist, and the need for understanding will no longer be there. Is it not awesome that the Lord erases all of those things from our memories? “God shall wipe the tears from the eyes of his people.. that is his promise to us NOW as well as then.. He is an awesome God. It is a pleasure and an honor to be called your sister-in-Christ.

    Reply

  6. Wynette aka Flip Flip
    Nov 09, 2011 @ 22:24:01

    Thank you Will. The Lord has lifted me up and gave me the support needed to spread the truth of the lessons that He has lead me through. And thank you for the compliment. I am proud to call you a relative as well.

    I know what you are saying Em. I always sensed some internal pain in my second husband but we were not together long enough or strong enough in our Faith to have discovered what it was. I am truly grieved for that but I know that we will see each other again. It is an honor and pleasure to be your sister-in-Christ as well.

    Reply

  7. donna/snobird4evr
    Nov 12, 2011 @ 18:53:25

    my beautiful sister, i would give anything if i could turn back the clocks to that point and time.. the only thing to change would be for you to know just how very much he loved you and for her to have been totally out of the picture.. i had no idea why ya’ll had broken up, nor did i know about you being tricked into marrying him… i do, however, believe all ya’ll’s problems started with her… i lived it in my life too.. i have stopped trying to figure out why she was the way she was… as you said… it’s between her and God… i was with him that last week of his life.. i stood there, waiting on x’rays with him in that special bed they put him in.. it was like sand on the bottom.. they pushed a button and it aired up and it was going in puffs all along his body to help with the horrendous pain he was suffering… the x-ray showed what we feared, his shoulder had snapped.. there was no way to fix it… as i stood there with him, he started crying out for mother.. all thru that last week he cried for her, just wanting to hear her saying she loved him.. he needed her there so badly and she did not care… to this day i still do not know why she hated him so much, but as far back as i can remember he was the one that took the brunt of her cruelty.. she would make up things just to torture him… when he passed, her cruelty transferred to me.. i remember the one really bad point in time it all came to a head… we had a huge fight over my oldest daughter.. all my life when she’d beat on me i never fought back… on that day, i was sitting in a chair, she straddeld me, steady slamming her fists all over me… i grabbed her wrists, lifted her off me and pushed her back… i told her if she laid one more finger on me i would give her every fist over all the years of being beaten, back to her and more… i was not going to be hit again… she took a step towards me, i bowed up, both fists clenched and ready… she looked at my fists, then at my face, backed down and told me to leave her house… i got my things and as i was going out the door i turned around and told her i loved her.. her response… “i hate your f—— guts”… that, she took to her grave… when she got so sick with her cancer, i’m the one who took care of her to the very last breath.. at one time during that, i was massaging icyhot in her legs… it seemed to relieve some of the pain in the tumors… she looked at me and told me when the time came that i needed someone to care for me i’d be paid back.. i told her i wasn’t doing it to get anything from anyone… i did it because she was my mother… i’ve seen people pass away before.. there was a calm that came over them as they took that last breath… her last breath was filled with torture and that’s how her face looked… tortured, not peaceful… i just pray she found happiness after but have no way of knowing… i’m happy you have some understanding of what he went thru… he was never happy in any relationship he had because she was always there drilling into him he wasn’t worth any one loving him.. same thing she drilled into me…when you and tim meet on the other side, i know in my heart it will be good… the only thing she couldn’t destroy was his heart… it was always open to love… i love you, dear sister

    Reply

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