You Are Not the Only One

I have not always been a Christian” 

Even though I was baptized into the Catholic Church, went to Catholic school and did all things Catholic until I was 18 and on my own that did not make me a true Christian.  Why?  I had a relative who chose my life pattern for 7 years which brought about anger, pain, and not knowing what love was.  He decided at 10 years old I was old enough for him to molest/rape and this continued for the next 7 years until I was finally strong enough to stop it.  His molestation came each time he was around and he would always tell me “I am the only one who really loves you”.  He would also say my parents only loved those who were younger than I was.

I remember each time he was around and the ugly act took place I would always sort of leave my body and watch from above.  It wasn’t until years later that I realized the reason I felt no fear was because Jesus was beside me always.  Not something I knew back then, just realized it recently.  I was told to “never tell as no one would believe me anyway”.  That’s pretty much a standard line for child molesters.  I’m sure there are many women out there today who can relate to what is said

Seems like this relative was always around when my parents told me I had to come home right after school or some other thing I was supposed to do.  Each time of course I was late and each time corporal punishment was handed out.  I can’t remember if my parents ever asked me why I was late or didn’t do what I was supposed to do I just remember the punishment.  They never said they loved me when they punished me but they would say it daily and I began to understand love meant pain.  To me, that type love was never anything I really wanted in my life.  Needless to say I was somewhat of a rebellion growing up as I had so much anger inside and for whatever reason mom got the brunt of that anger.  I also spent a lot of my teen years grounded!

Needless to say I have not had a very good relationship with my mother and it wasn’t anything she did or didn’t do, it was all the anger I had built up inside me.  That anger burned inside me for many years.  Even after I started talking about what happened to friends in the military, I still could not get past all that anger.  It’s probably why I am the person I am today.  I spent my career caring for others and making sure no one got hurt if I could possibly stop it.  I also listened to all who would come and talk to me.  With all the “bad” that happened to me as a child it made me a stronger person as an adult.  Not that I came up with this anytime soon.  It is only recently that I’ve been able to change.

Many times folks would tell me that I needed to forgive myself and then forgive my molester.  Now that’s something you can just run right out and do…..NOT!  He had taught me so many things….no does not mean no, love means pain, and there is no one out there who can protect you.  So how do you forgive something like that?? I cannot count the number of counselors I talked to; the group meeting I attended for women of childhood molestation, and how many times I told myself it wasn’t my fault.  Not once did that ever ring true for me.

“I realized I need Jesus and Accepted Him into my life”

We’ll fast forward to just a few years ago.  I had been doing an online ministry with friends although my job was mainly to stay in the background…..at least that is what I thought.  I found one of my friends lived close and I would go and spend time with her and I watched and learned how she shared Jesus with each and every person she met.  Then all of a sudden my friend and mentor died and went home to Jesus as she had always said she would.  I was angry, hurt and beyond consolation.  That is when I knew things were going downhill for me and if I didn’t do something I would slowly kill myself.  So, even with having a painful condition I threw away all my medications and gave myself over to the one person who could save me.  Believe me, the withdrawal from meds was not something I would ever want to go through again, but what happened during that time I would do again and again.  I was definitely lower than I thought possible when someone started speaking to me.  I knew it wasn’t my husband as he was nowhere to be seen at the time.  I heard God tell me that all the times I was molested/raped He was right there beside me as I watched over that poor tortured girl.  God told me that he had been with me all through all the darkness and trials I encountered along the way.  He also said no one would understand if I tried to tell them all I witnessed that day.  But, that is when I knew I would be okay and that Jesus was indeed with me and the Holy Spirit in my soul. 

“The biggest change I have noticed in my life”

Over the past two and a half years since Jesus came to me and we “talked”, I have found I am able to forgive even the most heinous of acts.  I was able to forgive my mother even though she had nothing to do with what happened, I never told her but I always considered her responsible.  And, the most important piece is I was able to forgive myself as nothing that happened was my fault.  My marriage is better, my relationship with my mother is better….although I think there are times she’s waiting for me to go back to who I was before…..and who could blame her??  Em challenged me to put a scripture reading on my Facebook page for five days and found that although this was completely outside my comfort zone I could not only do five days, but I could also continue on and actually write what was on my heart concerning each scripture I chose.  Never before have I felt so free and able to show how Christ helped me through a terribly long and painful life.  I also found unconditional love.  My husband had been my rock through trying times and even though I sometimes wanted to be alone again, he stuck with me through it all and through his unconditional love I have learned God’s unconditional love for me also.  What a thrill to finally be free of all the pain, anger and destruction I felt.  Christ had taken it away and left me a new person.