- MOMMA, WHY COULDN’T YOU PROTECT ME?
- I WAS ONLY A LITTLE CHILD? YOU WERE THE BIG PERSON!
- WAS I A BAD KID?
- MOMMA, WHY? WHY? WHY?
To some, it is going to seem like such a trivial question. But to some, it is going to hit way too close to the deepest, most damaged part of their inner being. I know because that is where that question is hitting me right now. For those of you following Flip Flip’s story, this is a different direction again. Or maybe it’s not. It all goes to the events and situations that make us who we are today. This one I was not ready for. Never in a million years would I have thought I would cry out in this pain! I am my Mother’s biggest supporter. My Mom was my everything! But I have been digging into those dark closets you have become so familiar with.
You know, the ones….10 deadbolts, 8 padlocks, and crossed timbers (just in case) in which we all hide those excruciating and painful memories. The ones that we never want the light of day to ever see again. But if we are ever going to be able to heal completely, we have to bring it ALL out into the light of God’s love. Only then will we be able to throw it out like the garbage of HELL that it is!
I will try, O FATHER, HELP ME! I will try to convey how I came to this part of this journey. I have felt for a long time that something really bad had happened in my past that my conscious mind refused to allow me to remember. I think this is it. I pray that it is. If it feels worse than this, I am not sure my human self could handle it. That is not true. But I KNOW that I can do all things thru Jesus Christ, who strengthens me. Only with Him by my side can I put these feelings into words.
All it took to bring this avalanche of pain down on me was one question……Why did your Mom not do something? WHY DID YOUR MOM NOT DO SOMETHING?……MOMMA! WHY DIDN’T YOU DO SOMETHING? I WAS ONLY A LITTLE CHILD! DID YOU NOT SEE? DID YOU LOVE ME?
I could give you all the reasons that I have manufactured over the years (to myself). She had nowhere to go. She had five kids. She had no way to make a living. SHE WAS AFRAID……….. Well, I guess that sums it up, doesn’t it? It made sense when I told myself that. Or was I repeating all the excuses I had heard over the years? I have no way of knowing. My Mom passed away from Cancer when I was only 23 years old.
You got it right in the middle of my first marriage. If you do not learn from history, you are doomed to repeat the mistakes. O, MY LORD! Is that why I stayed so long? Seven years! I had nowhere to go. I had two kids. I had no way to make a living. (At least that is what my husband at the time convinced me of). I WAS AFRAID!!
But I just realized something…..the pain is slowly subsiding. Yes, I have spent the biggest part of today crying. I think that is all part of the process. Back when I put these memories into that closet in my mind, that is when I should have cried. That is when the pain was the freshest. That is when the wound was the deepest. But fresh wounds heal with the right medicine. That medicine is the blood of Jesus Christ. He will take all of the wounds that you have experienced. He has already taken more than you and I could ever withstand. Crucified. Hung up on the Cross. Could you take the nails from His hands? Would you? So that we could have everlasting life. Would you do that for me? Could you? HE DID! Jesus suffered for us: Bible verses that explain His suffering
I know my Mom loved me. I know that my Mom knew Jesus Christ and His Father. I know she is in Heaven at this very moment, looking down at me and saying, “It is going to be all right, baby. The boo-boo is going to heal now. Jesus loves you. I love you. I am sorry I could not do something then. But I brought someone that can DO something now. Trust in your Father”. I FORGIVE YOU, MOMMA. I LOVE YOU, MOMMA.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xi0yLRX4d2M
You Are Not the Only One 