This past month has been one of intense introspection. I have started 5 or 6 articles, only to hit the delete button on every one of them. I have had numerous hours of meditation and prayer. I have come to the conclusion that I am just going to have to start typing and see where the Lord leads me at this precise moment.
There are unfortunately too many times in my life that have dealt with the different types of abuse. It is horrific to contemplate all the myriad ways that we can be cruel and hurtful to each other. As long as there are egos and warped sense of values, there will always be those out to diminish the ones around them. For some twisted reasons, these persons feel the only way to elevate themselves is to destroy the ones closest to them. Just when you think you have seen the worst that the human race can put forth, you find one that has outdone even that. The only way to change this outcome is to change our focus. Instead of chasing the all mighty dollar and all that this entails, we should turn our focus to the fruits of the spirit. I admit that I often don’t understand why bad things happen. Even so, I believe that God has a purpose for everything He does or permits. My faith is rooted in the biblical principle that says the Lord is sovereign (Ps. 22:28). He is in absolute control of this universe, the natural and political climate of this earth, and my life and yours. But as time goes on, it becomes more clear that the reasoning behind the trials that I have endured would be the basis of my ministry that I am in right now. I know that there are some people out there reading my story and more than likely are saying to themselves…..this can not possibly be true. That many things can not happen to one person. That is the very reason I go into such detail in describing my life. For the people who have experienced that type of abuse, they will know it is true. You would not be able to write the details of such horror if you had not lived through it. Those are the people who I am reaching out to. For the ones that are just beginning to see the signs of such things, maybe it will be the one thing they need to get out of that situation before it is too late.
I am just now beginning to realize just how far back these situations go. I have just 3 memories from the time I was born to age 6. The first was my own willful disobedience. My Mom had told my sister and myself NOT to go down to the pump jacks and to never never try to get up on one. (Even tho they looked just like a really large seesaw. Lol) Well we did it any way. I could not have been older than 4 years old. And one of the only times my Mom spanked me. And she did spank me and my sister, all the way back to the house. I never did go back to the pump jacks ever again. LOL
The other memory was of my stepdad putting me on a Shetland pony by the name of Sugar. Boy did they give that pony the wrong name or what! She was anything but sugar. When he put me up on her, she did not have a bridle or saddle. But she did have an attitude. She took off at a dead run for the other end of the corral and just as we got to the end of the corral she pitched me off and I landed with my left arm under me. I laid there for what seemed like hours but it was only minutes before my Uncle came running up and asking me if I was ok. I told him I thought my arm was broken. He took one look at it and he knew that I was right. He picked me up and carried me back to the front of the corral where the others were standing. He told my stepdad to get the truck so we could go to the ER and my stepdad replied, “Why, I have had worse injuries than that on my lip and had to whistle for a living.” My Uncle was livid! He told my Aunt to go get the car and my Mom (she was in the kitchen cooking dinner for every one and did not see what had happened). I overheard my Uncle tell my Aunt that my stepdad just laughed when Sugar threw me and made the comment, We will see how tough she is now won’t we. When we got back home my stepdad refused to even speak to me except to say, “Are you happy now? You just ruined the day for every one”. And he turned around and walked off.
That was the beginning of my unrealistic opinion of my self-worth. Regardless of what anyone said I always felt that it was my fault that the day was ruined and my Aunt and Uncle went home early.
But this too has added another layer to whom I am today.

9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Joyce Gerald/EM
    May 30, 2011 @ 11:06:08

    Almost everyone carries guilt with them to the point of death. guilt that should not be there because we have been forgiven of ALL things.

    It is great to know that God forgives and forgets.. now we need to do the same thing to ourselves, or for our own issues.


  2. Bueller
    May 30, 2011 @ 12:00:54

    Another one I’ve heard before when Flip and I were just talking. Still has the same feeling deep in my stomach of wanting to not only beat the person, but also all the others. Not very Christ like I will admit, but I’ve seen a lot of the damage done to Flip physically and no one cannot see those and believe what she says. No matter the type of abuse you have suffered from it leaves scars on your body and soul and difficult as it may be, we need to find a way to forgive and forget.
    Although I do not suffer from the same abuse Flip did as a child, everything she writes relates to the physical and emotional abuse I went through. Although we survived different ways, we are not that much different. And, survive we did!! We are not victims, we are survivors!!


  3. Bernice
    May 30, 2011 @ 20:15:54

    I like how Joel Osteen says this one statement:

    I am no longer a victim, but a VICTOR in Christ!


  4. Wynette aka Flip Flip
    May 31, 2011 @ 00:11:19



  5. Will Thomas
    Oct 15, 2011 @ 14:19:04

    I wish I could say I could never imagine your stepdad doing such a thing. His comment sounds just like I remember him. I am so sorry you have had to suffer like that.

    When my daughter was born, the first time I looked into her face, I saw the resemblance to me, and, exhausted after watching my precious wife suffer 36 hours of labor, what flashed into my mind was, “If you’re that much like me, you can’t be worth much.” I repented of the thought immediately, and I have spent her entire life trying to persuade her she is a child of God, whom Jesus thought worthy of His amazing Sacrifice. So she has traveled to Australia and New Zealand and Japan as a People to People Student Ambassador, she is a junior at Emory University on full scholarship, she studied at Oxford University in England for six weeks this summer. By the grace of God, her mother and I have convinced her she can do for Jesus anything she decides to do!

    But I had to fight the deepest self-loathing programmed into me from my birth.

    Thank God you know, and you can help others not commit the same atrocities that were committed on you.

    You’re a jewel. I’m proud to be your cousin.


  6. Wynette aka Flip Flip
    Oct 15, 2011 @ 14:29:18

    Will, you have no idea how much this means to me. I have been wracked over the coals for writing this. Even though every word is true. It is so nice to know that someone in my family actually remembers him for what he was. Thank you for being brave enough to post a comment here. God sent you to me at the perfect time for what I am going threw at this time. God Bless you for being you and listening to the message that God gave you. I love you my cousin!


    • Will Thomas
      Oct 15, 2011 @ 17:00:14

      I’ve reached an age where I am able to love my family, and a lot of people, without having either to apolgize for their flaws, or to pretend they don’t have any. It’s part of coming to love myself for who I am. And to realize that vices are virtues out of proportion, and virtues are vices brought into control. I’ve now buried a great percentage of the people I ever loved, and I miss them all, and I love them all, but I love who they were, warts included.

      It’s been kind of hard!


      • Wynette aka Flip Flip
        Oct 15, 2011 @ 17:03:06

        I too have buried the biggest portion of close family that I had. And like you Will, I have accepted them for who they were, warts and all. Hard is not the word for it but it will have to do. Thank you again for coming back into my life.


  7. Joyce Gerald/EM
    Oct 15, 2011 @ 16:14:35

    She believed that she IS someone worth dying for..thus this blog!!


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