Milestones…are you ready for them?

As I was driving home – in the dark – I don’t drive well at night I thought about the milestones in my life and how each one was the result of the death of a close family member. My grandmamma was my first mother. She was the only mother whom I knew until I was 7 years old. I watched, and nursed her as she died from cancer-I had just turned 13. I knew she was going to die that night, I was prepared for her death.She had, ” fought the good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith: Henceforth there is laid up for [her] a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall [gave to her] that day: and not to [her]only, but unto all them also that love his appearing.” (2 Timothy 4:7-8). I knew that I would never see her again if I did not do what she told me which was to give my heart to the Lord. She never said my life..she said my heart. That was in the late 1960’s it changed my life forever.  First of all I did give my heart to Jesus, but some horrific things happened to me after her death.  Things that could have scared me for life if I did not have Jesus. I got through those things because I was waiting for Jesus to make a move. I knew that I was, “ Ye are bought with a price!’.  I waited for my deliverance from those events and it came. “The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold” (Psalms 18:2 NIV).

My cousins and I – we were all raised by her until a certain age; then we were sent to our respective parents in the UK; were talking about her the last time we were all together. We all said the same thing. As long as she was alive we were under some type of divine protection.  The scripture speaks to the sanctification of family members because of one believing family member, “your children [ we would have be] unclean; but now are they[ but we became] holy [because of her prayers for us.”

I got married etc.,We moved to the US to be closer to my birth mother and her sweet husband. My Step-father was the salt of the earth. He died in 1984…another huge change in my life and in my girls lives. We moved to the south in 1986–I cried all the way there. I did not think that I would fit in. I did not want to move from my dear friends in NY. I did not want to leave my job at Brooklyn College.  I had to submit to the will of the Lord in this matter and ask him to, “Show me your ways, Lordteach me your paths” (Psalm 25:4 NIV).

My mother died in 1989–that was probably the third biggest milestone….wow..there is no way to describe that. There were so many huge holes in the dike that she left behind that it took 9 years to fill them all in.  I felt that I had to right the wrong that was committed to my step-brothers and sisters,Ruth 4:6 shows how the guardian-redeemer redeemed the estate. Of her husband’s family.  It took 9 years to fix that debacle and resulted in my health and imme system being ruined.

My Papa died in 2005-I am his only child. Now the Lord is preparing me to face the death of my dear cousin-she is the sister that I never had. I have pleaded with him not to take her yet. I have literally said, “if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me [ I want her to live-but to live well]. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” Every time I think about it I cry uncontrollably.

I truly don’t know what this one will do, but she is one of 2 people left on earth who were my connection to my sweet grandmamma. When we get together we remember with smiles and happiness because she was such a strong Christian woman who taught us how to be women/men.

I am in my sixties and I still remember my grandmamma telling me how God’s women sit in dresses and skirts. God’s women don’t wear pants that show the shape of their legs etc.,  She lived this scripture and taught it, “ Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God” (Titus 2:3-5). Of course I did not realize until I was an adult why. A pastor explained that one to us. It’s not about what we want to do it is about deliberately causing our brothers to sin. To this day I don’t like funerals because they remind me of the people in my life who have gone on. If the person is a child of God there is no finality there. I know where they are. If they are not I experience a deep sense of loss for them and their families.

The last milestone in my life was not the death of a family member, but it was the death of a relationship. I can truthfully say that loss was the worse thing that I have ever experienced to date. While it was dying it took a huge tool on my health and placed me in the hospital. My life has not been the same since. It was even worse than my divorce. My ex- and I are still very good friends. I do know one thing though. ALL things do work together for the good of those who love the Lord. So, here I am in a new town, a new state – with my dear girls and their children but I know for sure that God is up to something. I have learned not to ask him. He always reveals it in his own time and in his own way. This world is not a kind place to introverts. That is my cross to bear.

I guess I am writing this out because I know so many people who are experiencing serious emotional turmoil right now. There is a light at the end of that tunnel. It is flickering. It may seem dim now….just take steps towards it and you will see how brilliantly it shines. On those days when you just don’t know what to … Just say Jesus!

When the stuff of life just rolls over you like a mack truck – know that the Holy Spirit will lift the truck like the HULK and it will be just like a paperweight. He knows your heart – just “say Jesus”!

You Are Not The Only One

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